Please be upstanding for a live broadcast from the Commandeerer-in-Chief, President Brandon.
“Howdy doody, folks. Greetings from Delaware, where Nurse Jill and I are spending the week, instead of in that big white house in Washington. ‘Tis the season to be Mary, unless you're unvaccinated or from Florida, in which case it's the season to die while selfishly taking a hospital bed from someone obedient. It's great to spend time with close family and we will be no different. Just us, Hunter and the Chinese ambassador. Hunter will be in charge of taking the pictures. He's very artistic, although I think we'll get him to upload these pics to the Cloud to be on the safe side.
At this time of year, I'm reminded of those times back in the 1860s, when Martin Luther and I were building the Civil Rights Movement. The number of times he'd call up, asking advice. I'm reminded of it because I haven't heard from him in ages. I wonder how he's doing. Anyway, that was the time when I was also a lifeguard at a blacks only pool, as well as training to be an astronaut and driving a truck through segregationist picket lines. It also reminds me of how we all need to stand together, in unity, and throw heavy objects at the unvaccinated.
It's the time to give thanks; to Jeff and Zuck for maintaining the First Amendment, to Ruby Freeman, her daughter and others like them for working so late on election night, to Jen for marvelous, meticulously truthful Press briefings to a very challenging set of journalists, some of whom thought they could ask unscripted questions.
I want to assure you that Camel and I are absolutely dedicated to those of you who do exactly what we tell you and we promise to tackle the deadly Moronic variant with every fib of our being. As you know, I am a devout Catholic and so I'll finish off by quoting the priest – inshallah.
Wave with right hand, turn left and exit. The Pampers lady is just off stage. Do not take questions. I repeat – do not”