And now a live Christmas message from Prime Minister Maurice Thomson.
“I say, hello. Is this thing on yet? Yes? Splendiferous. Hello, subjects. I thought I'd take this opportunity to brighten up your Christmas and bask in your acclaim. Because you're actually going to have a Christmas this year, as we mistimed the Omicron scare by a week or so. So, unlike last year, parties are in for all of you, too. Although I wouldn't bother making arrangements for New Year's Eve just yet; Sajid Scrooge is on the march and, as my mentor and close friend Winston Churchill used to say when he came around for tiffin, “it ain't over 'til I say it is, chuck.”
What a year, eh? Vertiginously rollercoastery, one might say. We began the year with the blessed vaccine, a gift from God, who was very pro vaccine back in the day. It says so in the Bible. As it cut a swathe through the populace, in the manner of the Israelites parting the Red Sea, we all gave thanks and rejoiced. Getting jabbed was so clearly the right thing to do and, if there's something that Jesus is expert in, it must be that. We must love our neighbours as much as we do ourselves, although not in a masturbatory way. The archangel would caution against that. Gosh, no. Not these days. And Jesus definitely wouldn't want that either. I can say that with full confidence because Jesus, he knows me and he knows I'm right.
And in this season of gift giving, what better present could you give to your loved ones than to further resemble a pin cushion? Look at all your good neighbours who have done just that, those that have been allowed home from critical care facilities for Christmas. We must thank them for their enormous selflessness in flattening the curve and saving the NHS by getting themselves hospitalised. And now, if you've so far been a selfish little turd, it's your turn. Give your family something to be grateful for. Get jabbed. Jesus wants you to.”