Hello and welcome to another interview in our series on Premier League managers. This week, it's the turn of Donncha Havaklu, manager of Liverchester United City Rovers.
Me: “Donncha, thanks for joining us. Challenging times. How are you coping with the rash of positive tests?
DH: “Hello, Brian. Yes, it's all a bit tricky at the moment. After a positive test we have to give them time to recover from their injuries, of course.”
Me: “Injuries?”
DH: “Yes, usually chafing to the wrists and ankles and sometimes some reddening to the forehead. We're having to do some extra skills based work with the medical teams, too.”
Me: “Yes, what with all the testing. Got to get the right angle with the stick.”
DH: “No, it's mostly sprint work and some take-down techniques.”
Me: “Ah, right. Still, it's especially difficult at the moment, due to the congested calendar and all the positive tests. Six games out of ten cancelled the other weekend...”
DH: “Yes, that was a good lot of tests. We're seeing if we can get some more from the same batch. You never can tell.”
Me: “Still, it must be worrying having so many players critically ill?”
DH: “I'm sorry?”
Me: “The tests?”
DH: “Oh, no. They're all right as rain.”
Me: “What, all of them?”
DH: “Yes, ever since it's begun. Never had a problem with any of them. I tell a lie; I heard the centre forward cough once, but that was at lunch, so it might have been something going down the wrong way.”
Me: “Where do they isolate, then?”
DH: “We use an expansive interpretation of that word.”
Me: “Meaning?”
DH: “They don't. We just make sure that they train out back behind the bike sheds where no-one can see them.”
Me: “Well, I guess it's one way to get a jump on the opposition!”
DH: “No, it's a way of keeping up with them – we're all doing it. Once we realized it was all bollocks, we just started perfecting the workarounds. Think about it – why is there never any real concern when someone tests positive? Are the press busy bringing potential obituaries up to date? No, you're not.”
Me: “But what about all the heart problems? All those players collapsing on the pitch?”
DH: “What about all the ones that collapse in training? Do you think they're saving it all up for match day?”
Me: “No, I guess not.”
DH: “Well, none of them are testing positive, are they? It's all just a big coincidence. Bad luck.”
Me: “Yes, I suppose so.”
DH: “You're just going to accept that? You're a reporter, aren't you?”
Me: “Well, I get paid by a newspaper, yes.”
DH: “Close enough. So, what do you think then?”
Me: “There are an awful lot of them – three in one weekend. And it's not as if they're all Italians, so they might be genuine.”
DH: “One thing I know for sure. It's absolutely nothing to do with the vaccines.”
Me: “I was going to ask you that. There isn't any other common factor, though.”
DH: “Doesn't matter. It's not the vaccines.”
Me: “How do you know?”
DH: “It's not that I know. It just can't be the vaccines. Keep up, laddie.”
Me: “Oh, I see. Right. So what happens now?”
DH: “For now, we just keep going as we are. Take the boosters and hope for the best.”
Me: “Why are you winking at me?”
DH: “It's just something in my eye. Let me put this another way. Would anyone try to treat a urinary tract infection with two Nurofen?”
Me: “Well, no. Of course not.”
DH: “And then give them a third one when the first two didn't work?”
Me: “I take your point. But the Premier League are adamant that the vaccines are safe.”
DH: “I rest my case.”
Me: “Thanks for your time.”